Self Checkout Etiquette


If you’ve never experienced the self checkout lane at a grocery store, it’s probably one of the greatest inventions in the last 10 years (it’s up there with the dick towel). It allows you to do exactly what the name says, check yourself out. You don’t have to rely on a slow checker or the lady that insists on writing checks still, you just walk up, scan your own shit, pay with cash or a credit card (and possibly even checks but I’m not sure) and you’re on your way. Or at least that’s how it’s supposed to work.

The Chicago area is currently being blasted in the face by a winter snow storm equal to or greater than the amount of cocaine that falls out of Lindsay Lohan’s nose every time she sneezes, so in anticipation of the snow, everyone in my town decided that last night was the night to go to the grocery store. It was as if the world was going into a century long ice age where all of the grocery stores in the world would suddenly close their doors and people would starve to death if they did not buy their food before being stuffed inside by 12 inches or more. So of course I don’t have any food in the house for dinner and need to stop by the store on the way home from work yesterday just to grab a few things to get me through dinner and possibly the next day if I didn’t go to work (which I did so it didn’t matter anyways). So I guess technically I had the same idea as these other people, but my main reason for going to the store last night was because I really had nothing to eat for dinner last night. So anyways, I pull into the parking lot and the place is a mess. Don’t get me wrong I’m all for waiting for people to pull out of spots so that you can pull in a little closer, but I usually have the common courtesy to move over to one side of the lane so that the other cars behind me can get around while the slow old lady I’m waiting for can put her groceries into her Buick and drive away. Well apparently not everyone is aware that you can be nice and do this so I end up stuck behind someone who literally waits 10 minutes for this lady to put her groceries in her car, warm it up, jerk off (or something that took another 5 minutes) and then finally pull out of the spot. After I finally got around her and into the next lane I took the first spot I could find and made my way into hell.

Like I said before I only needed to pick up a few things to get me through at least dinner that night so I grabbed a basket and made my way around the store picking out the 5, maybe 6, things that I needed. As I made my way towards the checkout lines I could see that there were huge crowds gathering for what I could only imagine was a girl on girl wrestling match being held in the self checkout lanes, but I was sadly disappointed to realize that the crowd was only forming because only 2 of the 4 self checkout lanes were open and the 2 slowest women in the history of shopping were currently trying to figure out the machines.

Dejected I got in a line that was already 4 people deep and instantly 2 other people stepped in line behind me, thus blocking any movement through the front of the store. The lady behind me had a shopping cart that had 2 small bottles of what appeared to be creamer, in the basket of the cart and nothing else… Why the fuck would you lug an entire shopping cart around the store if you’re just getting 2 small bottles of creamer? Wouldn’t it had made more sense to just grab the bottles off the shelf and walk to the checkout with them? Apparently you only wanted the cart so that you can constantly jam it into my leg every time you tried to cut me off in line. Obviously I know my place in line and I’m not giving it up because I’ve already been standing there for almost a solid 10 minutes while the 2 retarded ladies at the machines are trying to dry hump the cash return slot… at least that’s what I thought they were doing since surely they couldn’t have been checking out groceries for that entire time…

…but they were. The one lady had an entire shopping cart of produce… fucking produce!!! Now I don’t buy a whole lot of fruits and vegetables, I like to keep myself on a high fat, high cholesterol diet so things like that go against what I’m trying to do, but when the g/f buys that kind of stuff we almost always go to the 15 items or less checkout aisle and have the person there do all the work. If you self check out you have to put the shit on the scale, find the little picture in the computer, and then push a bunch of buttons, blah blah blah, too much goddamn work. If I really wanted to do all that work I would just get a job at a grocery store (a position which I have held in the past). So produce lady is taking forever, but then we have the other lady next to her with an entire shopping cart of food! Ok, it wasn’t an entire shopping cart, but if you have more than 15 items which negates you from using the 15 items or less aisle, you should NOT be able to use the self checkout lanes. I think there’s a reason they are next to the 15 items or less aisle, to indicate that if you have 15 items or less you can either check yourself out or have the kind gentlemen in said designated “15 items or less” checkout, check you out. Once you have more than 15 items this completely negates you from using anything other than the normal lanes.

So after standing there for almost 15 minutes with a line stretching halfway around the store forming behind me, and a little old lady trying to steal my spot in line by constantly crashing into me with her cart, the 2 donkeys are finally done checking out and the rest of us can finally go about the rest of our day. What if I had had explosive diarrhea or something and needed to get home to do my business, but couldn’t do so until I had gotten food for the night (and probably some ass meds)? I bet it would have cleared out that line pretty quick if I couldn’t hold it…

So I think there should be some rules posted for the self checkout lines when the store is busy.

  1. If you have more than 15 items, do not use the self checkout.
  2. If you have more than 2 produce bags full of fruits or vegetables, use a checker. When all those options for bananas come up on the screen and you can’t figure out which bananas you have in your bag you’re just going to waste everyone’s time by raising your hand (as if you were fucking 5) and asking the helper lady what kind of bananas you have. Save us all the hassle and just go to the banana expert sitting in lane 1, that’s what they train for.
  3. If you need a cart to hold the groceries you intend on purchasing you should not be using the self checkout. This goes for both an abundance of items in said cart or if you’re too old and can’t manage to carry 2 things of creamer without the help of a 3 foot long rolling shin smasher. There’s just not enough room in the self checkout area for a cart… Did you see anyone else with a cart waiting in line? Nope, just baskets or arms full of food.

Ugh, just use common sense when you’re shopping it’ll make everyone’s lives a lot easier. I hate grocery shopping as it is so when I have to deal with morons at the store it makes me hate it even more. And the best part is now I have to go back today because I only bought enough food for last night and me and the g/f don’t feel like going out in this shitty weather. Luckily the grocery store is a block from my place and hopefully the storm will keep those same idiots that were there last night at home since I’m assuming the storm is the reason why they were all there last night.

[I apologize for the image, but there was just something about the creepy Asian chick checking herself out that seemed to fit. It’s almost as if she thinks she’s doing something naughty by checking herself out, but in actuality she’s just holding up the god damn line by stopping to take a picture with the fancy computer checkout machine! Look to the right, there’s a line forming and that chick looks pissed. Also other stores need to use this as an example “25 items or less” is clearly posted on the self checkout lane, while I feel that number is still way too high, at least there’s a sign.]