Public Bathroom Etiquette


This morning was like pretty much every other morning of my life, I wake up, come to work, get something to eat in the cafeteria, catch up on my news via cnn.com and engadget.com and eventually have to take a shit. I have no fear of public toilets because frankly everybody shits, but I do feel that there are some unwritten rules of the bathroom that should be followed, especially at the workplace. When I walked into the bathroom this morning there were already 2 people unloading their brown stink monsters into a watery grave so naturally I walked out of the bathroom and went back to my desk allowing ample time for them to finish slaying the beasts. I was happy to see that the two were in opposite stalls, meaning they left an empty stall between them. Now sure I could have split the defense and gone into the middle stall between them, but I feel there should be a little bit of a boundary. And obviously the 2nd guy to setup shop felt the same way or he would have gone into the middle stall.

So I wait about 15 minutes and venture back into bathroom to slay the fiery beast that is trying to escape the bowels of hell and nobody is in there anymore so naturally I go into the handicap stall. Sure I’m not handicap, but why wouldn’t you want a huge stall to relax in while you go to work. If you go into an empty bathroom and don’t choose the handicap stall you might as well have just shit in the sink… Ok, that makes no sense, but you get the point… maybe. So I’m sitting down letting nature run it’s course, when in walks someone else. Ok, no problem I don’t care if someone comes in and pisses or even has to take a shit, but this dude walked right up to the stall next to me and sat down. I don’t need a Larry Craig situation popping up while I’m trying to squeeze one out. What was wrong with the other stall? I could see if maybe someone was in there before and dropped a streaker that just made it look like that dudes ass was nasty and maybe that turned you off from sitting on the same seat as him, but there was nothing wrong with the outer stall, I checked.

Am I just crazy for this or should this dude have respected the stall boundary and gone to the outer stall leaving ample space between us for both our shitting pleasure? Not to mention this dude sounded like he was going to have a heart attack trying to push the sewer slug out of his manhole. Obviously he didn’t have to go that bad if he was forcing it that hard. I thought he was going to rupture his ass or drop a lung. If you have to push that hard to shit then I fully expect that the shit you push out be so big that Randy Marsh is impressed, which is hard to do considering he took a crap that weight 8.6 courics. And if you don’t know what I’m referring to look it up.

So maybe I’m wrong and maybe this unwritten rule that I live my life by is in fact, not a rule at all, but some stupid issue I have with shitting directly next to someone. In college I shat next to people all the time and had no problem with it, but the workplace is not a college dorm, I would think people at work would have more respect for the bathrooms, but maybe not.

Which leads me into pissing in the stalls. I understand at home most people do not have urinals although I used to house sit for people that had 2 of them. So I can see when you come to work maybe you’re a little weirded out by the urinal hanging on the wall, maybe you don’t know what to do with it or maybe it just scares you, but whatever it is, get over it! I absolutely hate going into the nice big handicap stall to shit and having to forge a river of piss to get there. Why walk through it you ask? Well sometimes there’s already someone in the first stall, but mainly because I get claustrophobic shitting in small places so I need the room. But seriously it’s not like I work at a place with children or teenagers, it’s a large company with working adults. You would think after the age of 7 you would learn that pissing on the floor isn’t really acceptable. I can understand getting a little splash-back on the seat, which hopefully you put up, that’s understandable, but to get piss all over the floor either means you’re blind or you have a small dick, either way you should still be using the urinal to piss. I would prefer to not have to wade through the piss river and have my shoes smell of piss all day because you’re an idiot or have some fear of urinals. And seriously, if you don’t put the seat up you should have just pissed in the sink, unless of course you’re doing it for comedic value, and I don’t mean just funny to yourself… which leads me into charming little tale of deception, lies, mystery and piss.

We ventured up to Milwaukee to watch the Cubs take on the Brewers up at Miller Park aka Wrigley North. It’s always fun to be able to tailgate a Cubs game instead of spending money at the bars around Wrigley. So we spent the day eating and drinking while enjoying a nice baseball game. On the way home one of our friends really had to take a shit so he made it a point to go to this nice, newer gas station that he knew would have clean bathrooms. So we make it to the gas station and me and one of my other friends head into the bathroom to take a leak. We are greeted by 1 urinal and 1 stall. I take the urinal and P takes the stall. Now we knew our other friend, “I”, was going to be coming in shortly after us to take a dump, so P decided, in our not so sober state, that it would be funny to piss all over the seat so that “I” was forced to sit in it or clean it all off. So P proceeded to piss all over the seat as we’re both laughing. Jokingly I then tap underneath the stall as to initiate a sex act, but P thought I was telling him to be quiet because someone had walked in. I told him that I would have shut up if someone had walked in, and sure enough as soon as I said that I shut up because someone walked in and stood behind us waiting for one of us to finish. P finished first and left the bathroom trying not to laugh, I soon followed as “I” was walking into the bathroom to drop off the kids. Me and P walked back to the car and informed N of what had just gone down. We continued to laugh it up in the car until “I” came back. We tried to keep a straight face, but P just started laughing uncontrollably and immediately “I” knew it was P that had pissed on the seat, but that’s not the best part. When “I” had walked into the bathroom the random guy was in the stall taking a leak, as he walked out and saw “I” standing there he kind of looked back into the stall then looked at “I” and said “Sorry dude, it wasn’t me” and walked out. He was referring to the river of piss that P had let flow all over the seat thinking “I” was coming in after him. We all had a good laugh and continued on our way home.

Now the moral of this story is that sometimes at gas station bathrooms it’s fun to piss all over the seat if your friend is coming in after you to take a shit, but it’s not funny at all to piss all over the seat and the floor at your place of employment. Learn to control your stream or use a urinal.