Proper Method For Relieving Ones Body of Shit Nuggets

Over the past couple weeks a certain forum that I frequent has had many threads dedicated to the art of shitting and apparently most of us have been doing it wrong for years (and no it’s not the picture to the left). So normally I go into the bathroom ready to pull the handle on the chocolate soft serve machine, pull my pants to my ankles and sit on the bowl… makes sense right? I mean the bowl looks like a seat, it was designed to be sat on, so the only logical thing to do is sit on it and get ready to send fudgey the water snake back to his natural habitat. This is how I was taught to relieve myself, but apparently this method of defication is not the way our bodies were intended to do it.

Going back as far as the ancient Greeks (and probably further, but I’m not about to research ancient shitting techniques… well at least not right now), people would ‘squat’ when it was a hot day and the cosby’s wanted to go swimming. This seems like an obvious method if your bathroom consists of a hole in the ground, how else are you supposed to shit in a hole? I guess you could get a chair and cut a big hole in the seat and place it over your primative hole in the ground, which would essentially be an outhouse, but no, they just squatted down over a hole and dropped a steamy log on top of other steamy logs. When the hole would smell like… well, shit… they would fill it in and dig another hole. Seems to me if you shit in a hole it would instantly smell like shit and therefore require the filling in of said hole and the digging of another hole. So this method seemed to die out once people built outhouses and such contraptions that gave us the ability to sit and relax as we shot brown rockets into, what was essentially, the same hole as before. This “sitting and shitting” method has evolved into what we currently use in our bathrooms (at least where I live), the modern toilet. This is what I was trained on and what I will train my kids on and it seems like a no-brainer. Sit on the bowl, shit, wipe, done… simple. But apparently making us more comfortable whilst shitting is not the way our bodies were meant to work.

The ancient hole-shitters had it right all along, according to these people, and our bodies were meant to be in the ‘squatting’ position while dropping a duece. And because of this our bodies, mainly our assholes, have become more succeptable to disease that is not prevelant in other cultures. Here are some of the apparent benefits of shitting in this unusual position. (more info HERE)

  • Makes elimination faster, easier and more complete. This helps prevent “fecal stagnation,” a prime factor in colon cancer, appendicitis and inflammatory bowel disease.
  • Protects the nerves that control the prostate, bladder and uterus from becoming stretched and damaged.
  • Securely seals the ileocecal valve, between the colon and the small intestine. In the conventional sitting position, this valve is unsupported and often leaks during evacuation, contaminating the small intestine.
  • Relaxes the puborectalis muscle which normally chokes the rectum in order to maintain continence.
  • Uses the thighs to support the colon and prevent straining. Chronic straining on the toilet can cause hernias, diverticulosis, and pelvic organ prolapse.
  • A highly effective, non-invasive treatment for hemorrhoids, as shown by published clinical research.
  • For pregnant women, squatting avoids pressure on the uterus when using the toilet. Daily squatting helps prepare one for a more natural delivery.

These things all sound like they are good things, but how does one actually go about shitting properly at home when we no longer have holes in the ground? I’m glad you asked, because I have a diagram for you, actually a bunch of them.

This first one shows you the proper position for shitting at home. Apparently you rest your feet on a stool or chair so they are more elevated than if they were on the floor and then you stick your ass halfway into the toilet bowl assuring that your ass will be extremely wet and full of poo water when you are finished. The second picture is of a product you can purchase to aid you in this adventure. It’s a stool that you can prop yourself up on and balance over the bowl while poop comes out of you. This product will keep your ass from touching the water, but seems like it could allow for a lot of splash back when you drop bombs from such a high distance from the water.

Both methods apparently have one major flaw for men… the possibility of pissing all over everything in front of you. Recommendations are either piss before you get into the position, which is sometimes hard because poo usually comes before piss and nobody likes shitting their pants, or just make sure to tuck it back before pissing all over your floor mat. Also make sure you are positioned over the bowl, nobody wants to drop a big steamy nugget onto the rim of the bowl, or worse, the seat and then lose your balance and smash it on your ass.

So give these methods a try and see if you feel any better. I will warn you though, your shit supposedly smells a lot worse using this method because your ass isn’t sealing most of the bowl and the shit vapors escape from the front directly into your nose. So don’t be alarmed and fall from your perch if you catch a whiff of death. Or if you’re really daring you can try the “AC Slater” method of shitting, refer to picture at top. If you try either of these methods please don’t forget to leave your experience in the comments section, and for the love of god, be careful!