From The Living Dead to the Undead

Everyone knows that Werewolves and Vampires have been battling it out for centuries without a clear cut winner, the Underworld movies have shown us that. We also know that Vampires have been devouring humans since the dawn of time, but what would happen if all that was left in the world was Vampires and Zombies? Well that’s actually a pretty stupid question because zombies are “dead” and don’t require blood to survive so there wouldn’t be any blood for the vampires to feast on and eventually everyone would just die off, although I’m not sure what the rules are with Vampire cannibalism, so maybe they could survive on each other…? I don’t know. But eventually every un-dead/living dead thing on the planet would die off. The zombies wouldn’t have any brains to eat and would starve to death and the vampires wouldn’t have any blood to drink and would eventually die off, but let’s set those rules aside for a minute and pretend that there was an ever waging war between Vampires and Zombies going on and humans were just caught in the middle with nowhere to run.

I’ll be honest, this post sounded good in my head, but now that I’m writing it I’m not sure how it’s going to turn out so we’re just gonna go with it and see what happens. I guess it can’t be any worse than the Twilight movies… click through the jump to read the rest of this rambling thought…

Let’s start with the Vampires since they seem to be quite hot in the media right now for some reason. There are a few fundamentals you need to remember for being a vampire, and these are all taken from different sources, we’ll just assume that the vampires left in the world adhere to all of the rules previously set forth.  1. Need to drink blood in order to stay alive. This is the most obvious rule of vampires that crosses over from movie to movie, book to book, they need blood to survive. What isn’t mentioned though, or at least I can’t recall it being mentioned, is whether or not it has to be human blood, can they drink animals blood? If they can then there’s a good chance that the vampires will survive way longer than any zombie would, considering the number of animals they could kill and drink. 2. Only way to kill you would be for someone to drive a stake through your heart, or if you’re Blade you could have some other fancy weapons to help you out (UV bullets, etc). So Blade had a sword that would turn the vampires to ash if he cut them, but traditionally it’s been known that a wooden stake to the heart is the only way to kill a vampire. Over the years there have been instances where gold and silver stakes have been able to defeat the undead, but for the sake of argument we’re just going to say Wooden Stakes are one of the very few ways to kill a vampire. 3. Severely allergic to UV light whether that’s the sun or just a UV light bulb, it will burn your skin off or cause you to explode, thus being another way a vampire can be killed. This would also fit in well with the Garlic and Cross allergy that a lot of vampires display, but could those things kill a vampire? I’m not sure, burn them yes, but kill… eh….  5. Some vampires have the ability to turn into a bat and/or fly. David Arquette in Buffy the Vampire Slayer (the movie not the show) was able to levitate up to that 90210 dude’s window and Dracula has been shown turning into a bat and flying away, although in most iterations of the vampire lore they cannot turn into bats. 6. in order for a vampire to enter a residence or a building he/she must be formally invited. Now I don’t mean he needs to receive an invitation in the mail, but he must be personally invited into a place in order for him/her to enter. Now, once the vampire has been invited once, they never need to ask permission again. It’s kind of a weird rule, but I didn’t make these up. And finally, in order to turn someone into a vampire they must be bitten by a vampire (and not to the point of death). Vampires need to show restraint when turning someone otherwise they will just end up killing the person. So knowing the rules of being a vampire do you still think they would prevail in a war against zombies? Let’s take a look at the other side of the battle now…

Zombies have gotten a major boost into the mainstream with movies like Zombieland, but could they really survive in a world inhabited by vampires and humans? Lets look at a few rules for being a zombie (not that you’d have the choice, nobody wants to be a zombie). 1. You’re dead, basic motor skills still exist, but your soul is gone and the shell of your former human self is now acting on basic instinct and that instinct is to eat brains. I don’t know why that is the only thing that your body wants to do as a zombie, but you are damn hungry and the only thing that will satisfy that hunger is brains. 2. True zombies don’t move very fast, they kind of hobble around aimlessly. More modern versions of zombies, most of which are actually “infected humans” not zombies, are the ones that you see running after people and moving fast. For example, Zombieland, 28 Days Later, Quarantine and Resident Evil did not have “zombies” in them. The “zombies” in those movies were actually people that were living, but were infected by some sort of disease that gave them zombie-like qualities. Now, movies like Night of the Living Dead, Dawn of The Dead (original), Shaun of the Dead and Day of the Dead are real true to genre zombies. They walk slow, they died or were dead and came back as a zombies and just want to eat brains. That’s it, however you could claim that they were technically “infected” by some sort of virus which brought them back from the dead, but usually the virus is not what killed them in the first place, it only reanimates them, it’s the fact that they just got ripped apart by a zombie that kills them. Now, I do have one gripe with the idea of zombies and maybe I’m just a bit misinformed, but I always thought the way you turned into a zombie was being bitten by another zombie, so how do the original zombies rise from the dead? I know according to Zak Snyder’s Dawn of the Dead “When there’s no more room in hell, the dead will walk the earth”, but that can’t be the answer… I guess we’ll just leave that up there with how the first vampires came to be… or maybe it was just another branch of evolution, or in the case of zombies, de-evolution.

So that’s the basic rundown of the “rules” for being a Vampire or a Zombie and now that we know those rules, who would win if all that was left in the world were Vampires, Zombies and humans? I’m going to come right out and say that Zombies will be the overall winners in this epic battle and here’s why. The main reason why I think zombies would take over has to do with the way zombies come to be. We’ve already determined that it’s kind of a mystery as to how the first zombies would rise from the dead, but it’s no surprise that when there is one zombie he can make more zombies just by biting people. Now I know what you’re saying, vampires have the same quality, they too can turn people into vampires by biting them, and you’re right. However, in the vampires case it seems like the person they bite has to be alive in order to turn them into the undead, zombies are not alive and therefore I don’t believe they can be turned into vampires. Zombies, on the other hand, can come from anything (except maybe another zombie). So I have to imagine that even though you’re a vampire, you can still be turned into a living dead undead aka a zombie vampire, if you were bitten by a zombie. Which could possibly be the coolest monster alive. I’m not sure what qualities they would still retain from being a vampire and I’m not sure if by biting people they would turn into a vampire, zombie or a vampie (zompire?), but whatever they turn into would be fucking incredible.

The humans don’t even matter in this situation, I only put them into the mix so that I couldn’t use the argument that there wouldn’t be any food for the vampires since all of the humans were now zombies, who don’t have blood. So for the sake of argument there will be no starving to death by either side, for a while that is. Like I said, I think zombies would win the overall battle and if the vampires did not surrender  to some sort of peace treaty, the zombies would eventually kill them all at which point the zombies would die off from starvation.

Now I do realize that vampires are a lot smarter than zombies since zombies obviously have relatively no brain function, but I still feel the vampires would be outnumbered in the end and lose. I’m sure the vamps would take out quite a few of the zombies before that happened and do have a good chance of winning, but once you get thousands of zombies knockin at your door, there’s only so long you can hold out.

Ok, so again, this sounded a lot better in my head before I started writing it, but I posted it anyways. I may have some of my vampire lore or zombie “rules” wrong, but it was just supposed to be a fun little article. If you have anything to add please feel free to leave a comment.