I Want To Be The Queen of The Guidettes…

… That is just one of the many ridiculous lines uttered in MTV’s new “reality” show Jersey Shore. I had heard a little bit about the show from reading friends’ facebook status’ alone, but it wasn’t until a buddy compared it to 2 hours of internet memes did I finally decide to tune in. The football games kind of bored me yesterday and I had no desire to watch the Brett Favre suck-off fest (even though the Vikings ended up losing) so instead we decided to check out this fun filled, stereotype driven romp through the Jersey Shore and we were not disappointed (and by we, my girlfriend was just as interested as I was).

The show follows 8 people, 4 guys and 4 girls, as they take the summer and travel to the Jersey shore for long nights of partying, jagerbombs, tanning, spiky hair, protein shakes and don’t forget fist bumping, lots and lots of fist bumping. Everything you have ever heard regarding the guido stereotype is portrayed in this show. I have seen and heard lots of stories about these tan, kissy-face people, but I have never actually seen them in their natural habitat. Wow, I don’t really know what else to say about this and the worst part is I don’t even think these guys are the worst when it comes to being guido. I’m sure there are other guys out there that are 100 times worse than these people, but this is just fuel for the stereotype, but this is how these people live their lives.

I don’t even know how to describe what I witnessed last night, it was as if Al Queda decided to go to Jersey and suicide bomb a paint store, but that paint store was out of stock of every color except orange. And when the 20-somethings surrounding the blast walked away, it had caused their hair to stick straight up, they were all covered in orange paint and somehow they came up with the brilliant idea to get back at the terrorists by taking steroids and going to the gym 7 days a week only to become distracted by themselves in the mirror and completely forgot about the terrorists. Throw some fist pumping and music without lyrics in there and that’s what you get.

The best part is that the girls actually look for a guy like this. Snickers (or snooki or whatever the fuck she wanted to be called) even came out and said that she wanted to be “The Queen of the Guidettes” and she was specifically looking for a guy with spiky hair, on roids, big muscles and so tan you would think they were black. How could anyone find that attractive? I guess if you look like a burnt troll that just crawled out from under a bridge you would think that was attractive… who knows, but if you have an hour to kill or 2 for the season premiere, I would suggest at least giving this train wreck a watch. It’s totally cliche to say this, but it’s like a bad car accident, you don’t want to look, but you just can’t look away… because maybe, just maybe, that car accident involved 2 buses full of guidos and guidettes on their way to making America look even worse.

I think if Al Queda did see this show they would feel so bad for the East Coast that they would apologize for 9/11.

I leave you with an animated gif from an upcoming episode of the show. Snickers/snooki is seen here getting cold clocked in the face after she apparently confronted some drunk dude at the bar after he stole her drink. I feel bad for the dude in the middle just trying to order a drink when he gets jacked in the nose as well. (The guy in the middle isn’t even a cast member on the show).


And if you still can’t picture a guido in your head after my amazing description above, I’ve posted a picture after the jump that should clear things up for you.