AC Slater: The Man, The Myth, The Legend

When you think of the 90’s what do you think of… sweet dances moves, ridiculous hairstyles and awesome clothing. And who encompasses every aspect of those things… if you said Zack Morris, fuck you! Preppy was a wussy track star. Now if you said Albert Clifford Slater, better known as A.C. (like air conditioning cause he’s that fucking cool), then you would be right.

Slater was captain of the football team and captain of the wrestling team, unlike Zack, who as I mentioned above, was only on the track team and might have played basketball, but he hurt his knee when he ran into Belding… what a pussy. Even Zack’s dad was a pussy compared to General Slater. The only thing Zack had going for him was Kelly Kapowski, the things I would do to that girl. And how creepy is it that Zack has a lifesized stand-up of Kelly under his bed?!?!? I think he also had a lifesize poster that would come down from the ceiling in his closet… I’ve heard of spank-mags, but spank-cutouts?

So while Zack was beating it to a cardboard cutout of Kelly, Slater was giving it to “legs”, “mama”, “sugar lips”, Jesse Spanno. I sure hope he was getting some after having to put up with her getting so excited, so excited, I’m so scared!! Waaaahhhhhh I’m addicted to speed pills. The hardest drugs they ever encountered were speed pills, pot and alcohol and Zack wouldn’t touch any of them. Even Slater was a man and had a brewski at the senior toga party, he had to convince Zack that it was alright. And then it was Zack’s idea to drive home… universally stupid man. Yes they end up crashing the car, and guess who fixes that shit…. not Zack Morris of course. Even Tori could fix a car and all Zack could do was be a horrible liar and get them all in trouble. Your dad sells computers, yet you still couldn’t lie about cars to him, retard!

So let’s look at the checklist so far:

Fixes Cars: Slater
Plays Real Sports: Slater
Has no problem having a brewski: Slater
Drives Drunk: Zack
Badass Dad: Slater
Pussy Dad: Zack

So far it looks like Slater is winning by a lot and that was only half of it. Seriously, if you don’t have enough credits to graduate high school on time you have seriously failed at life. At least goto night school or something to make up credits, don’t just screw yourself over so you have to be in the ballet in order to graduate, you’re going to look like a pussy to the entire school. I don’t care how cool you have been your previous 3.75 years in high school, if you dance in a ballet (and you can’t dance) on the last day of school you will forever be known as a pussy. Now, if you CAN dance then by all means show everyone else up. I even found a clip for you to enjoy of someone who CAN dance and will not be known as a giant vagina by everyone he went to high school with.

Yes, that’s right folks, A.C. Slater can dance! Look at those sick moves, it puts the guys on America’s Best Dance Crew to shame. Randy Jackson should look into hiring A.C. Slater to be his own crew. He doesn’t need anyone else, he can do all the parts himself, he’s that badass.

The only thing I can possibly think of that made Slater a bit of a pussy was his pet chameleon, Artie. I mean don’t get me wrong, I had chameleons as a kid, and I was a fucking pimp 8 year old. But if your chameleon dies while you’re on vacation and you trusted Zack to take care of it… don’t cry and write a paper about it, man up and beat Zack’s ass like you did over your ex-girlfriend joanna (she was hot by the way, i’d hit that). But I still have to give this one to Slater since Zack didn’t even have a pet in the first place. He seemed like he would have a dog or something, but no, he had a Screech instead. Slater didn’t need a sidekick to make him look cooler like Zack did, he could walk into a room and strike fear into everyone there, he was that badass.

So lets look back and add a few things to the checklist now:

Has A Pet: Slater
Has a Dorky Sidekick: Zack
Banged Your Best Friends Sister and ex-girlfriend from Germany: Zack (nice work here buddy, thumbs up)
Has A Hot Sister: Slater (hook it up dude)

Now all of these things I’ve listed above are things that make up the man that is A.C. Slater, but to become a legend you need to leave a lasting impression upon people in the form of a saying or action. For example, Fonzie has left us “aayyyyyyy” (thumbs up to the side), which we will never forget. So in the spirit of the Fonz, what has Zack Morris left us? NOTHING! He has disappeared into obscurity and will never be heard from again, however A.C. Slater has left us something that will be remembered from generation to generation…. he made sitting the wrong way on a chair cool.

How many times have you gone to sit down on a chair the normal way and thought to yourself, “Man, I wish there was some other, more badass, way to sit in this chair” and then you remember Slater and you spin the chair around and sit with your stomach against the back of the chair… now you’re cool. Which leads me into the myth of A.C. Slater.

Rumor has it that to take a shit A.C. Slater uses the same chair sitting style that he’s made famous. He removes his sweatpants completely and hangs them on the bathroom door, then he proceeds to straddle the toilet and press his stomach against the tank. This most amazing method of taking a shit, will be forever known as A.C. Slatering it and will live and die with human kind.

So in conclusion, Fuck Zack Morris.