You know that feeling, the one you get right before you’re about to go to the bathroom after eating a huge lunch? That feeling of overwhelming desire to rid your body of the disgustingness/deliciousness that was a 1 lb. chili cheese dog… That’s how I felt going into “Piranha 3DD”. I had just gone to the carnival and tasted the deliciousness that is Alexander Aja’s “Piranha” and now couldn’t wait for the next part, the disgusting, yet liberating “Piranha 3DD”. I was on the pot, ready to enjoy the after effects of the sweet, sweet chili dog, when all of a sudden I’m hit with the overwhelming sensation that it’s not going to be as good as originally planned. What I was hoping would be solid was soon oozing with the terribleness of 1000 deaths from my body. “Piranha 3DD” is like the terrible bowel movement after an otherwise unbelievable meal… and it doesn’t get any better. What starts off bad gets even worse after you realize that you were in a such a hurry to dive right in, you never noticed that there wasn’t any toilet paper… With no other option, you reluctantly pull off your sock, clean up, and pray that nobody saw you walk out… That pretty much sums up what I felt of “Piranha 3DD”.

I really did enjoy Alexander Aja’s 2010 remake of “Piranha”. I’m a big fan of Aja’s and loved the way the movie didn’t take itself too seriously, but wasn’t ridiculously campy and over-the-top. It wasn’t necessarily scary, but it was definitely entertaining and a joy to sit through. Naturally when I heard they were moving ahead with a sequel, I was not surprised, but not overwhelmed with a need to see it. What little possible faith I had in the movie when it was announced, died as soon as I started reading all the distribution problems it was having. At first it was pushed back, then the theatrical release was canceled in the US all together, then it came out in the UK to terrible reviews, and ultimately landing straight to VOD and DVD months later. There’s a reason it was nixed from US theatrical release… it’s because it’s god awful. I’m sure once the final cut was turned over to the studio execs, they took one look at it and realized that it belonged in the same place as the semi digested chili-dog. I honestly can’t even say there is really a saving grace to this flick. I thought there would be, in Ving Rhames and Paul Scheer, but even with a shotgun for a leg, Rhames’ character is the biggest pussy known to man… and that’s saying something, considering he was standing next to Paul Scheer the whole time (or should I say sitting). Not that either of them are the model actor, but when even a seasoned comedic actor like Scheer can’t make anything in the script work, you know there’s a problem.

The writing in this movie was so bad it makes me believe that I actually have a shot of making it as a screenwriter in Hollywood. And as I look at IMDB to see who the worthless saps are that wrote this flick, I’m disappointed to see that it’s Patrick Melton and Marcus Dunstan, the same guys that wrote the majority of the SAW flicks, the FEAST movies and The Collector… Hell, Melton is actually originally from the town I live in, I definitely have a shot now. But in all seriousness, despite the fact that Melton and Dunstan’s flicks aren’t the greatest movies, I’ve liked them all, up until now. So in light of that, I blame everything on whatever input Joel Soisson had on the script. He’s listed as another writer with flicks like “Dracula 2000” and “Hollow Man 2” on his resume… And I shouldn’t come down so hard on the writers without also taking a stab at the director, John Gulager, who ironically enough, directed FEAST, FEAST 2 and FEAST 3, all of which I enjoyed. I honestly can’t even make excuses for them, someone should have seen the daily’s and had the balls to tell them it was terrible.

The movie seemed like it wanted to be a spoof movie akin to “Scary Movie”, but it never fully jumped the shark. I seriously spent the entire movie trying to figure out how it was ok for there to be topless girls running around this water park with no regard for families that may be there… Then I just figured it was an adults only water park, but my theory was shot down as soon as David “The Hoff” Hasselhoff showed up and signed an autograph for some kid. Speaking of rock bottom, if people know your name and you appeared in this movie, you should fire your agent right now. I get that Ving Rhames, Paul Scheer and Christopher Lloyed were reprising their roles from the 2010 version, but David Koechner, Gary Busey, David Hasselhoff, that kid from “Glory Daze”, that extremely hot chick from “30 Rock”… time to find new agents, seriously.

I don’t know what else to say about this one. It’s not even on the “so bad it’s good” scale… it’s just bad. So do yourself a favor, skip this one and just go back and watch the 2010 version again. Even if you didn’t like Aja’s version, you’ll like it better than this greasy turd of a movie.

piranha 3dd review

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