Jesus Was An Alien Hybrid

Let me first preface this a little bit. This is in no way an attempt to put down the Christian religion or to demean those that believe in the teachings in the Bible. This is mearly a satirical look at some of the beliefs in the Christian religion as they relate to Jesus Christ. I myself am Catholic and while I may not believe some of the teachings as strongly or as literally as some people do, I most certainly believe/hope that there is something after this life and that there is someone or something that presides over creation. I say “hope” because there isn’t any proof of anything when it comes to God or an afterlife, but that’s why it’s religion right? It’s based on faith and I believe that everyone should have faith in something and just live this life to it’s fullest. And with that being said, I have reason to believe that Jesus, and possibly the human race, are decendants of an alien life form.

By now you’re probably thinking I’m as crazy as one of those loonies from that movie “Jesus Camp” (I’ve never seen it, but I heard those kids were out of their minds for Jesus). Let’s start with Jesus and how he came to be on this wonderful planet of ours, full of death, destruction, war, and duck billed platypusses (is that the plural of platypuss? or is it platypussies? that just doesn’t sound right although it does describe their demeanor). Anyways, Jesus was born to the virgin Mary who claimed that the holy spirit (right?) visited her and told her that she would give birth to God’s son without having known the touch of a man. Ok, so with science as we know it today that’s pretty impossible unless she was born with both man and woman parts which in turn means she banged herself without knowing it… would that be considered rape? I’m just saying, by normal definition that seems like rape to me, but on with the theory. So short of the previous idea or Mary did in fact have relations with someone who wasn’t Joseph, that leaves only one other theory… aliens.

Think about it, Mary was visited by the “holy spirit”. I don’t know if Mary ever officially described this “holy spirit” but what’s to say that it wasn’t an alien from above. Obviously heaven is thought to be above and therefore if a glowing being somehow decended from the heavens and visited Mary what else is she going to think? I don’t know that there were many UFO sightings back in the Jesus days, I’m guessing there probably were, but people just assumed they were signs from the heavens/Gods and didn’t think twice about them. So this “holy spirit” is actually a being from another planet that is sent out to find another world to plant their seed for the whole world to worship. So with their magical technology, this alien, impregnates Mary with no more than placing it’s hand on her stomach, then disappears back into the heavens.

9 months later Mary is ready to give birth in the manger along side a goat named ruffus (it’s a little known fact the goat had a name). And once Jesus was born it is said that the 3 wisemen saw a bright star in the sky which they followed to the manger where the King of the Jews was born. I had always thought that this was the “north star” but I could be wrong there, but either way, if it were the North star wouldn’t it have been quite the miracle that Jesus happened to be born along the path from the wisemen’s location to the North star? Sure it was already a miracle that Jesus was born to a virgin, but 2 miracles is starting to push it. What I think happened was as soon as Jesus was born his alien race knew it (via some sophisticated tracking implant) and they immediately turned on all the lights in the mother ship that had been hovering around the Earth waiting for this day. This would explain how the “star” lead the wisemen right to the manger, I bet it even directed them around some unpassable terrain that was probably out there in the desert. Aliens back in the year 0 were more sophisticated than we are now and you know how good google maps is, so imagine what they had as far as mapping software.

So that explains Jesus’ birth to the virgin Mary, now it’s time for some miracles. So obviously Jesus is a half man half alien hybrid seeing as how an alien implanted a human woman with it’s seed, and this takes out most of the fun when it comes to miracles. If you had known that Jesus was created just by some “thing” touching Mary’s stomach than it wouldn’t be too much of a surprise to know that Jesus himself had some of these traits. Maybe not as good as his illegitamate alien father, but he had something special about him. Jesus was known to have cured everything from blindness to leprosy during his stint on Earth as well as walking on water and even raising his hand in disgust at a fig tree that had done him wrong causing it to wither and die, apparently trees were intimidated by Jesus but the Jews weren’t. I don’t know what that means, but it’s an interesting fact. So the miracles can mostly be attributed the to the fact that Jesus was 1/2 alien with mystical powers. I’m sure he had to touch the people he cured therefore using a similar technique that his sperm donor father did and when it came to water he was just amazing, kinda like Michael Phelps.

Water into wine, walking on water, holy water! You name it, if it had to do with water, Jesus was the man. I have another theory where Moses is actually Jesus’ son and inherited the “water god gene” but it contradicts wikipedia so I’ll keep it to myself. With the knowledge of science and the idea that if there are aliens visiting our planet they are much more advanced technology wise, it’s not hard to believe that these miracles could be attributed to Jesus’ alien ancestry, but there’s one more miracle… the big one, that makes even more sense (as an alien).

Jesus was eventually tortured and put to death by the Jews for some reason I can’t honestly remember even though Mel Gibson told me why… So anyways, Jesus was crucified and eventually speared and killed. His body was then taken to a cave where his friends and family, disciples? rolled a huge boulder in front of the door and left him there, this is known as Good Friday (doesn’t sound so good to me). Then the following Sunday when a bunch of women went to gather at the cave for some reason, it is said that the boulder was moved from the entrance and the body was gone. I think there was also something about Jesus’ spirit talking to the women and telling them to spread the word of his resurrection. Now maybe Jesus appeared to the women and told them to tell of his ressurection, but the body was still there so the women took it and buried it, or maybe Jesus was an alien and Jesus just faked his own death on the cross and later left the cave and tried to sneak back to the ship quietly, but a gaggle of women just happened to be in the way so he had to come up with something quick on the spot. I’m pretty sure Jesus was pretty quick witted. And that’s what lead the resurrection of Jesus.

So there you have it, the birth, life and death of Jesus told as if he was an alien. And before you go blasting this entire post calling it blasphemous, etc, think about it for a second. There’s no physical proof either way of exactly how Jesus performed miracles or if he even did or what actually happened surrounding his birth and death. So the theory above is no more out there than what the Bible states. But what the Bible does give you that the theory above doesn’t is something to believe in, an afterlife (unless of course when we die we just go to another planet). So while I do have faith in religion and I do believe some things that come out of the Bible, there are some things that, in this day and age, science seems to disprove rather than prove, but then again there are a lot of things that science just can’t explain.

So don’t take this post the wrong way, it’s just an interesting way to look at such a taboo subject in the world. If we didn’t have religion on our planet, our lives would be completely different, gay marriage might not be looked on as harshly, people wouldn’t dislike people just for what they believe in, there wouldn’t be as much fighting… There would still be war and fighting of course, but look at some of the big ones like World War 2 and even the current war we are fighting. Some people will say it’s about oil, but in actuality it’s a man doing what he believes is right when it comes to his religion, obviously it’s not right, but these people are carrying out these vicious acts in the name of religion… But if there was no religion people might not have faith in anything…